Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
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Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
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I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.