What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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