my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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