guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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