Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
