i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
