high people should be assigned attendants
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
