Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
