Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
