a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
