you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
