At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
