It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
