needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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