just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
