You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
