I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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