I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
