Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
