In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
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I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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