you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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