Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
