i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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