If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
did i just pee glitter
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
