fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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