Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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