2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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