oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I AM VODKA MAN
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
