i can't believe i had my finger in that
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
