You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
