she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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