is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
