And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
