Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
