i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
