You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
