Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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