Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
