a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
