It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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