i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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