Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just invented taco cereal.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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