I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
