he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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