I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
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I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Come on in and take your pants off
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