I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Hippo gnu deer
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
