I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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