you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
not ubering you a puppy
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
