It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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