splinters make it hard to masturbate
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
