last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
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I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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