First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
