listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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