There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
