hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
